Heartache, Hope and Healing

Happy First Birthday Baby Girl!

2011-07-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

Our Daughter's First Year (a tribute from her Daddy)

2011-07-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

Healing

2010-08-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

2010-07-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

Time for another monthly blog update! It's quite incredible to look back on what we've accomplished in the last month...and because this would be a looooong post if I wrote about everything, here is a condensed version of what we've been up to since my last update:

June 5th - Baby Shower #2

June 6th - Baby Shower #3

June 8th - Dr. appointment & ultrasound @ 33 weeks...we found out she was breech and facing my spine so it was difficult to get very many good pictures of her!

{Here is an attempt to get a face/profile shot - about all you can see is her eye and one chubby cheek =)}

{Here is a great picture of her cute little ear}

{And a picture looking down at the top of her head that shows all of her hair!}

June 12th - Hosted a grad party for my little brother Zack

June 13th - Attended another grad party for my little brother Zack

June 14th - Zack's graduation!

June 20th - Ben's first Father's Day!

June 22nd - Dr. Appointment

June 23rd - Josh's Bachelor Party

June 24th - Em's Bachelorette Party

June 24th - Rehearsal Dinner

June 25th - Rehearsal

June 26th - WEDDING!!! {Here is a compilation of a few of the hundreds of pics I took that day...watch for a couple hidden comparisons to my wedding day 9 years ago as well}

{A sibling picture on my wedding day in 2001}

{A sibling pic at Em's wedding is 2010}

{Picture of Em and I at my wedding in 2001}

{Picture of Em and I at her wedding reception in 2010}

Now that all of the {wonderful} chaos is over...we have officially begun anxiously awaiting the arrival of our sweet baby girl! I am 36 weeks and 3 days along...which means we are only 25 days (3 weeks and 4 days) away from our due date! We are resting and recouperating as well as trying to get some last minute items accomplished before parenthood. We have another dr appointment and ultrasound tomorrow and will be able to tell whether she has moved "into position" or if she is still breech...who knows - with all this extra time on my hands I might even be able to squeeze in another blog post or two before she makes her world debut! Stay tuned...

My Crazy, Chaotic, Simply WONDERFUL Life...

2010-05-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

I sit here giggling to myself as I read the last 2 posts that talk about how busy we've been...because a couple weeks after my nesting post...busy took on a whole new meaning when our life exploded with chaos! Here's just a glimpse of our busy-ness in the past 5 weeks:

This gorgeous, fantastic, adorable, incredible little sister of mine...

...got engaged to the man of her dreams and embarked on the fast paced journey of planning a wedding for June 26th (yes, THIS year)! You can view Josh & Emily's engagement pics via this link: MattShumatePhotography

Our initial days after the engagement were filled with dress shopping, for the bride (sorry readers, I can't share any pics of her dress until after the wedding...but I can assure you, this dress was made for her and she looks amazing in it!), the bridesmaids, and last but not least, the most challenging dress...for me, the (soon to be 8 month pregnant) matron of honor.

Amongst all of this wonderful craziness, we finished organizing the closet in the nursery:

And celebrated my first official Mother's Day! My sweet husband ordered me a spendy diaper bag I've had my eye on at Nordstrom's but couldn't justify the cost...LOVE it..and him ;-)

I had my first baby shower hosted by my Mother-in-law (picture of jammies that say "my auntie loves me" from Auntie Em):

And then made 60 bridal shower invites...

40 thank yous...

and a recipe book...

before hosting Em's bridal shower last Saturday:

Then squeezed in some time to help my sister with 60 shower invites and matching thank you cards for my other 2 upcoming baby showers:

And made 40 graduation party invites and thank you cards for my little brother's high school grad party we are hosting in a few weeks as well!

Pic of Zack & I at the space needle (fall 2009):

In case you are curious, including the 100 birth announcements I have ready and waiting for the arrival of our daughter...that's a total of over 400 handmade cards in the past 5 weeks...All this on top of being pregnant (updated belly pic at 30 weeks):

and amidst the craziness of finishing our basement:

So, loyal blog readers...that about sums up my life in the past month...my crazy, chaotic, yet simply WONDERFUL life =)

Nesting...

2010-04-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

Alright blog readers...here is another much delayed post (finally)! The due date of our baby girl is still 14 weeks and 5 days away, but we have been busier than ever! Doing what, you ask?...nesting, of course! Thankfully, among all the nesting activities, we found some time for warmth, sun and relaxation in AZ with good friends...sadly, I didn't take many pictures on our 5 day trip to Scottsdale, but I did manage to capture a few of these adorable girls, Rhyan and Abbey (picture of them below at the Phoenix Zoo). We had a fantastic time and can't wait to see them again!

Before we left for AZ, we began work on the nursery and added some finishing touches once we returned home. Here is a sneak peak of the work in progress...

And now...the BEFORE and AFTER pictures:

Here's a cute shot of our sweet and anxious boy, Beaumont. He has since gotten comfortable with the changes in her room and often sleeps in there next to the crib!

AND...as promised, here is a belly shot at 25 weeks:

As if finishing a nursery wasn't enough work...we have taken on a MUCH bigger nesting project...finishing our 1250 sq ft basement!!! After only 2 Saturdays of work, it is almost completely framed...now we are ready for a new hot water heater, toilet, tub, sink and plumbing...then onto electrical, insulation, sheetrock, mud, tape, texture, paint, tile, carpet and a new fireplace and we will be all set!

Let's hope we can get most of this basement addition completed before our new little "addition" arrives!

Update: Week 19

2010-03-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

It has already been a MONTH since my last update! We have been busy picking out items for the nursery and trying to squeeze in a little more travel before parenthood! 2 weeks ago we spent a whirlwind weekend in Vegas with our friends Dave and Crystal...AND on our flight Ben was able to feel our daughter kicking for the very first time (I began feeling her around 16 weeks)!

Here we are at the famous Bellagio fountain:

In case you were wondering...of course we couldn't resist picking out a few things for our sweet little girl...

Mommy's choice:

Daddy's choice:

Joint choice from the M&M factory:

Yesterday (1 day shy of 19 weeks) - we had another ultrasound! Here is an outside belly shot...

And a few perfect little pictures of our baby girl growing on the inside:

This month we plan to paint and set up the nursery and then we are Arizona bound...meeting up with magnificent friends in Scottsdale - more pictures coming soon!

Warning: baby gender spoiler below!!!

2010-02-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

As you may have read in my previous post...on November 18, 2009 we received the wonderful news that we are expecting our first child! Relief washed over us immediately...Yet, as we stood upon the threshold of our dream (again) we were terrified. As I sit here, staring at a numeric glimpse of our pre-baby journey, it is easy to understand why.

535 - The number of days we planned & dreamt & hoped & longed for that day to finally arrive.

150 - The number of prescription pills (not including pre-natals) I consumed in an attempt to prepare my body for pregnancy.

22 - The number of doctor appointments we attended.

15 - The number of times my blood was drawn for lab testing & evlauation.

5 - The number of ultrasounds I had to diagnose our miscarriage as well as the functioning of my organs during hormone treatment.

5 - The number of hormone injections I received.

4 - The number of times we changed doctors, desperately searching for someone who could help make our dream come true.

1 - The baby we lost...

1 - The number of times my body was pumped full of iodine & x-rayed.

1 - The IUI that finally helped us conceive this little miracle:

Today (Feb 3, 2010) as we sat in a tiny ultrasound room, watching the aerobic movements of the sweet baby growing inside of me (curtosey of the sugary drink I had with lunch), I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the difficult journey we've endured. I know now that our focus has shifted to a brand new set of numbers...and just like the previous ones, now that we have counted them, our lives will never be the same!

TEN TINY FINGERS

TEN LITTLE TOES

& ONE INCREDIBLY PERFECT...

BABY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another Letter to Our Baby...

2010-01-15T10:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Baby,

Precisely 2 months ago today (Nov. 18, 2009), longing desperately for your life to begin, I wrote you a letter.

Thank you for listening...

Today (Nov. 30, 2009) we saw you for the first time, baby! You are the tiny dot at the top of the little black circle...I know the picture is grainy and your ity bity body is difficult to see...but I know you are there. We are cautiously joyful and undeniably anxious as we have been here before and our hearts are overwhelmed with fear that you may be taken from us too soon. The thought of losing you is unbearable, baby and I am on my knees each day praying (begging) God's protection over you and pleading with Him to allow me the incredible honor of being your mom...

Immense fear resolved to sweet relief and triumphant joy the moment your tiny heart began flickering on the ultrasound screen. We were mesmerized by the image of you...and could have stared at your beating heart all day long! I sobbed hysterically the moment we walked out of the room...simply elated to know that you were okay. Your daddy held me close and wiped away my tears...and he just couldn't stop smiling!

(Dec. 7, 2009 - 6 weeks, 2 days - heartbeat 120 beats per min.)

We were excited for our doctor's appointment today, baby and couldn't wait to see how much you had grown! What we didn't expect was the way the miraculous sound of your tiny heart beating instantly filled the room when you appeared on the screen...It was the most peaceful, reassuring sound I have ever heard and I'm smiling now as I play that little memory over and over again in my mind. The doctor said you are doing so well that we don't need to see him (a specialist) anymore...so this is the last picture I will have of you for a little while. I am definitely nervous knowing that I won't get to see you each week...but I have faith that you will be okay.

(Dec. 14, 2009 - 7 weeks, 2 days - heartbeat 140 beats per min.)

Today (January 7, 2010) was our first appointment with a regular doctor and we were afraid that it was still too soon (10 weeks, 5 days) to hear your heartbeat through a monitor on my stomach...the nurse listened and listened, then moved the Doppler and listened some more. After a few long minutes of searching, there you were (160 beats per minute)! I cried (again) and Daddy laughed...we were so relieved to know you are safe and growing strong, sweet baby. Can't wait to see you again soon!!!

Love,

Mommy

Happy New Year!

2010-01-04T22:08:00.000-08:00

Last Year (February 2009), shortly after the New Year had begun, I was already prepared (in gambling terms) to cash in my chips and move right on to 2010. Perhaps in the depths of my soul I knew that although we had already experienced immense heartache...there was still more to come. Had Cinderella's fairy godmother appeared to me then, I would have gladly seized the opportunity to skip the pain. Now, as I look back a year later, I would ask her to grant me another wish; a different and less selfish one...that I would be open to learn the many lessons God intended to teach me through this trial and that I would trust His timing instead of stubbornly demanding life occur according to mine...although, in my defense, during my conversations with God I repeatedly tell Him that I would completely surrender to His timing, if only He would tell me what His timing IS...but I guess He just doesn't work that way ;-)

Four short days ago, I was thrilled to celebrate the closure of 2009...A weight has been lifted, a difficult year is now part of my past, and I am free to open a new door to the future...confident that this year will be a year of HOPE.

After all, rainbows only appear after the rain...just as the storm begins to pass.

2009 Christmas Card Sneak Peak

2009-12-20T15:39:00.000-08:00

Coming soon to a mailbox near you...

Grateful

2009-11-30T14:41:00.000-08:00

It is often difficult to count our blessings when one of life's storms is raging around us...and I, certainly as guilty of this as the next person, frequently catch myself saying "I know I have so much to be grateful for, BUT there's always that one thing that would make life even better"...

I found Thanksgiving to be a particularly difficult day for me. Even though I thought I was doing fine...preparing the turkey, making the stuffing and side dishes, mashing the potatoes, cleaning the house, setting the table...I couldn't shake the feeling of great loss. It was this day last year that we phoned many family members and shared our wonderful news...This year; in all honesty, I was just ready for the Thanksgiving holiday to pass...and was grateful when it finally did.

I do think that it is important to reflect on the things I am insurmountably thankful for, though...and thought I would share a few of them with you...

Grateful am I for a husband who loves me despite my many flaws...who laughs hysterically at my "witty humor" (even when no one else would find it funny), travels with me through life's abundant adventures and stands beside and often in front of me in an attempt to shield me from life's particularly painful storms. Blessed am I to have found this man, to love him so completely and to be fiercely adored by him in return.

Grateful am I for friends and family who continue to pray for us as we struggle through our life's most difficult year thus far...Blessed am I to know through these trials, you are there.

Grateful am I for a God who loves me unconditionally...despite my anger, frustration and barrage of difficult questions..."Why God?" - "What did I do to deserve this punishment?" - "Why do you allow us to continue suffering, Lord?"...I serve a powerful Creator, and believe (on most days) that He has a plan for me and will someday use this devastating chapter in my life to serve Him. Blessed am I to know that through Him, there is hope that next year will be better.

And BELIEVE me when I say, I am so grateful we are 31 days away from 2010!

Run away with me...

2009-11-16T10:24:00.000-08:00

We have had more than our fair share of life adventures the past two years...and while they have been the most devestating, challenging years of my life thus far...they have been two of the most amazing years as well. We tend to pair incredible life adventures with sorrowful ones in an attempt to drown out the pain, minimize the heartache and gain a little more perspective on life.

In January 2008, my grandpa lost his battle with cancer...4 months later we took our 3 week trip of a lifetime to Europe...

In January 2009, a few weeks after our miscarriage we took a trip to Mexico...

In March 2009, we said goodbye to our sweet 8 1/2 year old dog Bailey and...2 months later we took a trip to Arizona...

So now, following our infertility diagnosis and our struggle to conceive even with medical intervention...I say enough with all the sorrow...it's time for a new life adventure! I spend my days dreaming of the places we could go to capture some hope and happiness again...

Perhaps here - the Oregon Coast...one of our very favorite places...

What's that? Oh, you are probably right...a little too windy!

I would LOVE to go here again...Sorrento, Italy...

But...we've already been there and we need a NEW adventure...so, my heart is set on HERE:

We now own travel books for Greece and Turkey and are hoping to begin planning a trip early next year! We thought Italy and Ireland would be our last BIG trip before kids...but it appears that God may have other plans...and if those plans include Greece and Turkey, I just might be able to live with that ;-)

A Heavy Heart

2009-11-03T16:19:00.000-08:00

Today is my 29th birthday...I usually LOVE my birthday. Not because of the presents or celebrations, but because I can officially declare that I am another year older and wiser than I was the year before. Unfortunately, for the very first time in my life, I find my birthday near impossible to celebrate. We are rapidly approaching many difficult anniversaries this holiday season...

November 8, 2008 - the day we found out we were expecting
November 24, 2008 - the day I started spotting
December 4, 2008 - the day our heartache began
December 15, 2008 - the day our loss was confirmed
December 18-22, 2008 - the 5 days I was bed ridden and taking medication to officially end my pregnancy

...and although, as a result of these experiences, I am ages wiser than my 28 year old self...my heart is heavy with grief. I cry often...and have done so multiple times already today. I long to wallow in self pity, devastated by what has transpired over the last 12 months...an entire year wasted. But my heavy heart knows better. It may carry the weight of a burden sometimes impossible to bear...but it is also heavy with a compassion I am proud to know.

A year and a half ago I was completely naive to the suffering associated with infertility...but this morning, as I sat in a crowded doctor's office (sadly, infertility doesn't care if it's your birthday), I looked at the faces around me, knowing that every single one of these women were fighting the same battle, enduring the same pain, and hoping that this month might be THE month that their dream finally comes true.

Infertility is a life crisis affecting 1 in every 8 couples. For those who haven't experienced it firsthand, the emotional roller coaster of infertility (and maybe even sometimes your loved ones experiencing it ;-) may seem foreign to you...but chances are, you know someone (besides us) who is silently suffering.

We have had many friends/family stop calling and emailing and others have told us they just don't know what to say or do to help ease the pain...believe me when I say "NEITHER DO WE"! We have embarked on a journey we weren't prepared for and never anticipated the emotional upheaval it would have on our life. For those who are interested in learning more about the journey of infertility, click here. This link will hopefully give you a glimpse of our daily struggle, the myths about infertility and what you can do to help.

For my birthday this year, I only have ONE wish...but, as they say, if I say it out loud it won't come true...So, I suppose you will just have to guess what it is ;-)

"Time Heals All Wounds"

2009-10-25T19:08:00.000-07:00

These were the words frequently spoken by others at the beginning of our painful journey...and while it is true that my grief stricken days now come with less frequency, their intensity has grown. I naively allowed myself to believe that our first round of infertility treatments (10 small pills, 2 self administered hormone injections in the abdomen, an ultrasound to measure the follicles and an injection of hCG to release the eggs) might actually work...Unfortunately, I forgot that every month might begin with new hope...but has the potential to end with the devestating heartache of yet another lost dream.

It is on these bad days that I search for the purpose of my journey...and every time, I find comfort in this poem. It so adequately describes the pain of a woman struggling to have a child...convincing herself that she will be a better mother for all she has endured.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will not be better because of genetics or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned...over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join the in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~ Author Unknown

Remembrance Day

2009-10-15T15:03:00.000-07:00

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and tonight at 7pm couples all around the world will light a candle in honor of their babies. A light will shine in our home for a child we longed for and loved instantly, who slipped away too soon.

My dear friends with angel babies waiting at the gates of Heaven...please know that our candle will burn brightly in memory of your children, too. And for those like me who continue to grieve without children to fill your empty arms, God knows that you are indeed wonderful mothers already. May this video provide comfort to you, on this special day of remembrance, and always.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

2009-10-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

Music to My Ears

2009-10-06T22:14:00.000-07:00

Frequently over the past year, when consumed with grief, I sought comfort in words written by strangers...Lyrics that somehow spoke directly to my heart and resonated deep within my soul. I love that about music, the freedom of interpretation that allows you to feel as if a song was composed for you, your life, your situation...Here are a few of the songs I listen to often, the lyrics that stand out the most, and why I fell in love with the words...

Never Alone - Jim Brickman/Lady Antebellum (link)
My sweet sister shared this song with me shortly after our miscarriage...it is the one I listen to at max volume, allowing it to drown out the sound of my tears, while praising God for never leaving my side.
...
I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I'm not going to promise
The cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surrounds you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone...

Never alone...Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't good-bye
My love will follow you
Stay with you
Baby, you're never alone...

My Prayers - Women of Faith Worship Team (link)
(click on the play arrow next to song #4 to hear a clip of this incredible song)

In June of 2008 I created a slideshow for my sister's high school graduation and fell in love with this song, as it so adequately depicted my prayers for her life...As I was driving to work one day a couple months ago, this song began playing. In addition to hearing the words of my prayers for my little sister, I heard my Savior's prayers for me...

May the sun wake you every day
With sounds of life and words of praise
That love is here to stay

Enjoy each moment as it comes
Always remember where you come from
Never be ashamed
And may you learn to just let go
When it's out of your hands
And find peace down every road

*Chorus*
I know, I know, I know that you wonder
What your tomorrows hold
And I know, I know, I know
Down whatever road you may go
My love is there
These are my prayers

May you find friends who you can trust
Don't be afraid to fall in love
Cause love is the one thing
That's sure as the stars are gonna shine
Don't ever leave your dreams behind
Stand up for what you believe

And take the time to see the good
It's everywhere
And find your passion
Live your truth

*Chorus*

Every night I pray
Every step you take
Brings you closer to
All I've hoped and all I've prayed for you
All I've prayed for you...

Closer to Love - Mat Kearney (link)
One day while driving in the car, this song began paying on the radio. My husband quietly said it reminded him of us, and as he sang these words to me, my eyes filled with tears as I imagined the day we will finally rejoice in the birth of our child... "we're gonna get there soon"...

She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
We're gonna get there soon...

And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now
For all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there, too
Crying in your room
Praying Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon...

Cause you are all I've been waiting for
For all of my life...
We're gonna get there soon...
Pull me closer to love...

One Day You Will - Lady Antebellum (link)
This song is a wonderful reminder that not all moments will feel as devastating as the initial days, weeks and months after our loss...that there is hope...and that we are, indeed, traveling the path God intended. As painful as it may be, He knows the purpose of our journey and is leading us to the destination He has had waiting all along.

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slipping through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back

You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

*Chorus*
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on
Every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, You'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be

I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will...

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here, anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear

You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to you last breath
And you don't know it yet

*Chorus*

I Run to You - Lady Antebellum (link)
This song makes me smile...a genuine ear to ear grin! I am so incredibly blessed to be married to the most wonderful man on earth. Despite the grief we've faced this past year, we continue to find solace in each other's arms..."Our love's the only truth, that why I run to you..."

I run from pain
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late

I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or to slow it seems

When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
To a new disaster
So I run to you
I run to you, baby

When it all starts coming undone
Baby you're the only one I run to
I run to you

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slipping right on through

Our love's the only truth
That's why I run to you

Welcome to the Club...of Infertility

2009-10-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

Previously in my blog, I would write that word - infertility - and it always sounded so strange, as if maybe it didn't really apply to me. Maybe I really wasn't considered "infertile" and the well intentioned comments I have received from so many people for so long; "it will happen when it's supposed to"..."you just need to stop stressing"..."just stop trying and you will get pregnant - that's what worked for us"..."just stay positive, it will happen"...were true. Maybe these people were right, and it was all in my head.

Today was our long awaited appointment with an infertility specialist. And even though I had been waiting for this day for the past 3 months, I contemplated cancelling the appointment multiple times between then and now, figuring I would already be pregnant again...not wanting to believe that I actually needed to see an infertility specialist...and holding out hope that we would be able to have a baby without medical intervention...Today I closed that door.

The doctor had read through our paperwork, ordered copies of all prior tests from our other doctors, and confirmed that we have a 2% - 5% chance of conceiving a healthy baby on our own. Rather than crying from sadness and frustration as I write this post (as I have with all other posts), I am finally crying tears of relief because a qualified doctor in the field of infertility confirmed that I'm not crazy...that we're doing nothing wrong...and the reason for our infertility is no fault of our own. And because we are healthy and none of the tests indicate a real cause for infertility (10% of infertility cases are unknown) he is confident that we will be able to bring a healthy, beautiful baby into the world...it will just take time.

Soon we will begin monthly rounds of fertility drugs, ultrasounds, injectable hormones, blood work and IUIs (intrauterine insemination)...which has the potential to increase our chances by 10%...and, at any point we feel that we have exhausted our efforts and are ready to move on to an option with higher success rates, the doctor is ready to administer IVF (In Vitro Fertilization - 90% success rate after 3 rounds).

Yes, today I open a new door of hope for the future...and know in my heart that with the help of this doctor, sometime in the next couple years, we will finally have the baby we've always dreamed of.

A New Plan

2009-09-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

Those who know me well would whole-heartedly agree that I am someone who doesn't operate well in life without a plan! I love to plan parties and baby showers and bridal showers and vacations and weekend agendas and family holidays...you name it, I will find a way to plan it! Perhaps that's why our current predicament is so incredibly emotionally frustrating for me. For the past 17 months my plans have been futile and the only reward I receive for my effort is the heartbreak of another dead end. I no longer know the path that lies ahead, which road will lead us to our destination, or how well we will navigate the twists and turns we encounter along the way.

So, for now, because I am currently unable to plan a pregnancy, design a nursery, and deliver a baby, I try to occupy my time planning ways to distract myself from the reoccurring monthly heartache we continue to endure. And although I am admittedly angry and bitter about our unpredictable journey, I'm grateful for the moments of true joy we've had this year, and quite possibly appreciate these memories even more than I would have if life had been different...

April 2009
Ben's good friend and college roommate Stu came to visit! We hadn't seen him in 8 years...but it was just like old times...hilarious!

May 2009

At the end of May we took a trip to Scottsdale, AZ!

and hiked up camelback mountain...

what. was. I. thinking???

Oh, well, at least we made it to the top! Barely...

But mostly we just relaxed at the spa!

June 2009

Some of our very closest friends came to visit! We always have a wonderful time with them and laughed more than we had in a very long time!

Rhyan at Riverfront Park

Spending time with Beaumont

Adorable Abbey

Rhyan with her good buddy, Ben!

The whole clan...Ben, Steph, Rhyan, Jody, Phil, Abbey!

July 2009

For the 4th of July we went kayaking/canoeing with my dad and brother...

Later that month, the whole fam took a trip to an indoor waterpark!

Me and my niece, Anna

Adorable smiles from my niece, Lyla

We spent a weekend at the lake with Jack and Norma

September 2009

For our 8th wedding anniversary we spent a week in Seattle!!!

Here we are with our friends Dave and Crystal at Bumbershoot! We saw Katy Perry, All American Rejects, Sheryl Crow, Michael Franti & Spearhead, Jason Mraz...and my favorite band of the trip...

THE BLACK EYED PEAS!

A little over 1 week later (last weekend) we made the drive back to Seattle for a Mariners game with my dad and little brother, Zack!

So, all in all we have made the most of 2009 thus far...what's next, you ask? Finally...a long awaited consultation with an infertility specialist! Stay tuned...

A Letter to Our Baby

2009-09-18T17:55:00.000-07:00

We've been waiting for you for quite some time, baby; Cried a million sad and lonely tears for you, baby; Dreamt of the overwhelming love you will someday bring with you, baby; Prayed countless unanswered prayers for you, baby; Imagined the perfect features of your sweet face, baby; Felt devastating heartache watching others move on and welcome new life...while our life stands still and our arms remain empty without you, baby.

Yet, somehow, despite our painful journey...I know once you are finally here, the heartache will have been worthwhile and we will be even better parents for all we have endured.

My thoughts are consumed with you. My arms long to hold you. My heart aches to know you and I anxiously await the glorious news that you are safe and on your way to join our family.

You are loved dearly, wanted desperately, and adored already.

Please come soon.

Love,
Mom

Part of Me

2009-09-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

We were grocery shopping the other day and behind us in line was a young family with an adorable little girl sitting in the front of their cart. As we were getting ready to walk out of the store with our bags I watched as this sweet girl handed her mom's credit card and driver's license to the cashier. The cashier smiled down at the child and while looking at the license she asked, "Is that your mom?" The girl glanced again at the cropped license photo showing only her mom's head and shoulders and replied, "Well...it's part of her!"

We all laughed at her innocent and truthful response, yet, as I walked away, I couldn't help but acknowledge the ironic relevance of that statement to my current situation.

It has now been 8 months 3 weeks and 3 days since we received the official news that we lost our baby...a child that should be almost two months old and the light of our lives. A part of me was lost that day and I don't know that I will feel entirely whole again until I am able to hold our very own little miracle in my arms.

Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what might have been...

Not a week goes by that I don't try to understand the purpose of our painful journey...

Not a month goes by that doesn't end in the same heartache and disappointment as the one before...

After almost 8 months of using an electronic fertility monitor, crying myself to sleep at night, charting my cycles, several rounds of blood work, more tears, a semen analysis, 4 months of taking Prometrium (blood work found that I have a low progesterone level...likely why I miscarried the first time), an HSG (medical procedure where you first sign a waiver saying you understand you might die if you have an allergy to iodine...then endure a shot in your cervix and an iodine injection into your uterus and fallopian tubes to detect any blockage - yes, this is as painful as it sounds) tears, tears and more tears...in addition to 6 months of trying to get pregnant last year, 2 months of being pregnant and 6 weeks of miscarriage...I am still nowhere close to my dream of becoming a mom.

I know this recap may seem melodramatic to some...but I can't even begin to explain how frustrating, overwhelming, heartbreaking, infuriating, and emotional this journey has been. With that said, I am SO incredibly grateful to my friends/family who have shared similar heartache, who have ached for our loss, truly understood our pain and the craziness that engulfs a woman/couple struggling with infertility.

To those that haven't been where we are...I know it must be difficult to understand the emotional upheaval we're experiencing, but I know that you love us and are praying for us...keep praying...I am confident that I will return to a normal version of myself someday! Someone whose emotions aren't so unpredictable; someone who can receive the news of yet another loved one's pregnancy without feeling as if an explosion has shattered the very core of her being; someone who can plan and attend baby showers again and rejoice in the birth of a child to a mother who hasn't struggled with miscarriage & infertility.

My good friend, Danielle (pregnant with her first child due in October) said it best when she told me not to worry, that I would have the rest of my life to get to know her child...that she understands it's hard for me right now, but they will always be there...whenever I am ready. Thank you to all who feel this way. Please know that I am doing my best to find hope and healing...and most importantly, that I still love and appreciate you!!!

Escape

2009-08-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

The realization that our baby was gone came immediately, but the immense grief I feel for our loss remains strong still today. We did our best to struggle through the holidays, and even managed to create and send out our annual Christmas letter. But despite our attempt at a brave front...everything inside me felt broken. Shattered pieces of a life I longed for, a dream I couldn't let go. I cried almost every hour of every day those first few weeks, constantly reminded of the harsh reality we were living, wounded by the well intentioned comments or "advice" from loved ones who couldn't possibly understand, and overwhelmed by the loneliness that engulfed every inch of my being.

Desperate to run from the pain and towards something/anything that felt "normal", we booked a trip to Cancun, Mexico for the middle of January (2009). We couldn't wait to feel the warmth of the sun on our skin, to be surrounded by people who didn't know what we were going through and to try to forget our loss and find laughter again, if only for 10 days. Unfortunately, we left 27 days after the miscarriage started, and my HCG levels were still not "normal" (below 5) and I continued to bleed and pass tissue throughout the duration of our trip. Due to the risk of infection, until the "process" is complete you are instructed not to use a tampon or swim in any body of water (as it could carry bacteria)...certainly things you travel to Mexico to do. Despite these restrictions, our determination to have a good time paid off!

Here are a few of the pictures from our trip to the Yucatan:

(Below) Me, very obviously breaking doctor's orders (the one and only time I did)...I justified my defiance by telling myself this was a once in a lifetime experience and it was only 2 days before we went home, so I figured if an infection started, at least I would be back in America for treatment...

Swimming with the manatee:

Manatee kiss:

Swimming with the Sea Lion:

Dolphin Kiss:

I only broke down a couple of times while we were away, but for the most part, it was a great escape from our situation and we were not at all prepared for how difficult it would be to return home. I cried on our way to the airport, knowing that we couldn't keep living a false reality and we would have to return to our life and all the emotions we tried to leave behind...

The Heartache Begins

2009-08-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

Six months passed after our return from Europe before we finally received the news we had been waiting for...Our journey towards becoming a family had officially begun!!! For an entire week I had been convinced I was pregnant, never wavering until after I had taken the test...then I was terrified to see the result! I paced anxiously in the hallway until I saw Ben go into the bathroom to check the result and heard him yell "PREGNANT"! I screamed, we embraced and laughed, and tears of the greatest joy I had ever known streamed gently down my face. Then, I took a few more...just to be sure!

November 8, 2008:

We could barely sleep that night and stayed up late talking about names, discussing my due date (July 18, 2009), trying to guess whether we were having a boy or a girl and dreaming about our little family of 3!

Two weeks later I began spotting and was assured over the phone by a nurse at my doctor's office that light spotting was perfectly normal during early pregnancy and nothing to worry about. By the time I was 7 weeks along we had shared our news with immediate family and a few close friends. We saw no cause for alarm until I experienced 20 minutes of actual bleeding the evening of December 3rd. I called the doctor the folloing morning and was able to secure an ultrasound appointment for later that day. Although we were concerned, in our hearts we just knew that everything would be okay and we were anxious and excited to see our baby's heartbeat for the very first time!

Once the ultrasound began, it was only seconds before I knew something was horribly wrong. As most expectant mothers know, by 6 weeks your baby's heartbeat should be visible via ultrasound and I was already 7 weeks and 5 days along.

This is the image we should have seen that day...

And this is the heartbreaking image that appeared instead... My eyes immediately swelled with tears and I tried (unsuccessfully) to keep it together as I heard the ultrasound technician say that the gestational sac was only measuring 5 weeks and 3 days. She was sending the ultrasound to my doctor and their office would call me once they had analyzed the results. I remember desperately struggling to muffle the sobs building inside of me as my incredibly supportive and equally devastated husband led me through the waiting room and out to our car.

The doctor's office called about an hour after we returned home and said that, though it was likely I was in the process of miscarrying, they wanted to wait 10 days and do a repeat ultrasound as a precaution. She apologized as she knew the wait would be difficult and I responded through my tears by telling her "it's okay...we've already started to grieve".

So on Monday December 15, 2008 we re-lived the same devestating scenario a second time. The doctor confirmed with certainty that my pregnancy was ending, just 9 weeks and 2 days after it had begun. She explained that because my body had not started the miscarriage process on its own (my HCG levels were still 41,000), my options were to go to the labor and delivery ward at a local hospital for a D&C or take medication to induce "labor" and endure the process from the comfort of my own home.

I began taking prescribed medication the morning of Thursday December 18th. Severely painful contractions started within an hour and 4-5 hours later, the actual miscarriage process had oficially begun. The pain was constant and near unbearable for approx. 8-10 hours a day for 5 days straight as the only pain reliever able to be used in conjunction with this medication is Tylenol with codeine.

Strangely comforting though, was that my body was finally able to suffer some of the immense pain that had consumed my heart and soul for the last 15 days...

Our Journey

2009-08-27T20:53:00.000-07:00

Ben and I met through a (wonderful) mutual friend our senior year in high school. Ben had been bugging Katrina for weeks to meet the girl in the photo on her 3 ring binder before she finally gave in! We were introduced over the phone and talked for hours across the span of 6 days before we went on our first date (March 20, 1999). Even before I met him in person, I knew he was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Here is an excerpt from my journal dated March 22, 1999:

"...It's like he holds all the missing puzzle pieces to my life...the first time I heard his voice I felt like I'd been waiting all my life for him...and now he's here."

The rest, as they say, is history. We dated for two and a half years before we were married on September 8, 2001...one of the best days of my life!

Over the last 8 years, we bought our first house (our current home), raised two adorable puppies (Bailey and Beaumont), completed our Bachelors degrees, advanced our careers with a national insurance company and traveled as much as our vacation and bank account would allow! These were all things we wanted to accomplish before starting our family...and as of last Spring (2008) there was only one item left to cross off the list...a trip to EUROPE!!! We dreamed and planned for months on end until the day finally arrived to board the plane...destination - ITALY! We spent 10 incredible days touring Rome, Sorrento/Amalfi Coast, Florence and Venice before spending another 10 amazing days touring the southern half of IRELAND...just the two of us. It was more spectacular than we ever dreamed it would be!

Although we were devestated to be leaving the adventure of a lifetime behind to resume our normal lives, we were thrilled to know we would be returning home to embark on a new adventure...starting a family!!!

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Now, as I re-live the beginning of our journey, 16 short, but oh so very looong months ago...I long to travel back in time and warn my naive self about the devestating heartache that lies ahead...

I Started a Blog!!!

2009-08-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

I have been contemplating this for awhile now and have finally made a decision to start a blog. Here's why:

I have had a really ROUGH year...and despite the heartache, I want to remember this journey and how it has changed me.

So many people out there are thinking of and praying for us! This blog will allow me to share information I am comfortable sharing, while satisfying the curiosity of all those who are wondering about us and where we are in our quest to become parents.

I have found great comfort in reading the blogs of other women who have experienced similar heartache as it helps to know that I am not alone in my journey. I am so grateful for these women who were brave enough to share the stories of their loss and hope that by sharing my experience, one other person may find comfort in knowing they're not alone.

Those who know me well are saying to themselves, "Stephanie is going to vulnerably broadcast her feelings on an open blog???"...and to that I say "I'm slightly terrified...but I'm going to try". =) So...Here goes nothing! Stay tuned for my first REAL post!