Another Letter to Our Baby...

Dear Baby,

Precisely 2 months ago today (Nov. 18, 2009), longing desperately for your life to begin, I wrote you a letter.


Thank you for listening...

Today (Nov. 30, 2009) we saw you for the first time, baby! You are the tiny dot at the top of the little black circle...I know the picture is grainy and your ity bity body is difficult to see...but I know you are there. We are cautiously joyful and undeniably anxious as we have been here before and our hearts are overwhelmed with fear that you may be taken from us too soon. The thought of losing you is unbearable, baby and I am on my knees each day praying (begging) God's protection over you and pleading with Him to allow me the incredible honor of being your mom...

Immense fear resolved to sweet relief and triumphant joy the moment your tiny heart began flickering on the ultrasound screen. We were mesmerized by the image of you...and could have stared at your beating heart all day long! I sobbed hysterically the moment we walked out of the room...simply elated to know that you were okay. Your daddy held me close and wiped away my tears...and he just couldn't stop smiling!

(Dec. 7, 2009 - 6 weeks, 2 days - heartbeat 120 beats per min.)

We were excited for our doctor's appointment today, baby and couldn't wait to see how much you had grown! What we didn't expect was the way the miraculous sound of your tiny heart beating instantly filled the room when you appeared on the screen...It was the most peaceful, reassuring sound I have ever heard and I'm smiling now as I play that little memory over and over again in my mind. The doctor said you are doing so well that we don't need to see him (a specialist) anymore...so this is the last picture I will have of you for a little while. I am definitely nervous knowing that I won't get to see you each week...but I have faith that you will be okay.

(Dec. 14, 2009 - 7 weeks, 2 days - heartbeat 140 beats per min.)

Today (January 7, 2010) was our first appointment with a regular doctor and we were afraid that it was still too soon (10 weeks, 5 days) to hear your heartbeat through a monitor on my stomach...the nurse listened and listened, then moved the Doppler and listened some more. After a few long minutes of searching, there you were (160 beats per minute)! I cried (again) and Daddy laughed...we were so relieved to know you are safe and growing strong, sweet baby. Can't wait to see you again soon!!!

Love,

Mommy

Happy New Year!

Last Year (February 2009), shortly after the New Year had begun, I was already prepared (in gambling terms) to cash in my chips and move right on to 2010. Perhaps in the depths of my soul I knew that although we had already experienced immense heartache...there was still more to come. Had Cinderella's fairy godmother appeared to me then, I would have gladly seized the opportunity to skip the pain. Now, as I look back a year later, I would ask her to grant me another wish; a different and less selfish one...that I would be open to learn the many lessons God intended to teach me through this trial and that I would trust His timing instead of stubbornly demanding life occur according to mine...although, in my defense, during my conversations with God I repeatedly tell Him that I would completely surrender to His timing, if only He would tell me what His timing IS...but I guess He just doesn't work that way ;-)

Four short days ago, I was thrilled to celebrate the closure of 2009...A weight has been lifted, a difficult year is now part of my past, and I am free to open a new door to the future...confident that this year will be a year of HOPE.

After all, rainbows only appear after the rain...just as the storm begins to pass.

2009 Christmas Card Sneak Peak

Coming soon to a mailbox near you...

Grateful

It is often difficult to count our blessings when one of life's storms is raging around us...and I, certainly as guilty of this as the next person, frequently catch myself saying "I know I have so much to be grateful for, BUT there's always that one thing that would make life even better"...

I found Thanksgiving to be a particularly difficult day for me. Even though I thought I was doing fine...preparing the turkey, making the stuffing and side dishes, mashing the potatoes, cleaning the house, setting the table...I couldn't shake the feeling of great loss. It was this day last year that we phoned many family members and shared our wonderful news...This year; in all honesty, I was just ready for the Thanksgiving holiday to pass...and was grateful when it finally did.

I do think that it is important to reflect on the things I am insurmountably thankful for, though...and thought I would share a few of them with you...

Grateful am I for a husband who loves me despite my many flaws...who laughs hysterically at my "witty humor" (even when no one else would find it funny), travels with me through life's abundant adventures and stands beside and often in front of me in an attempt to shield me from life's particularly painful storms. Blessed am I to have found this man, to love him so completely and to be fiercely adored by him in return.

Grateful am I for friends and family who continue to pray for us as we struggle through our life's most difficult year thus far...Blessed am I to know through these trials, you are there.

Grateful am I for a God who loves me unconditionally...despite my anger, frustration and barrage of difficult questions..."Why God?" - "What did I do to deserve this punishment?" - "Why do you allow us to continue suffering, Lord?"...I serve a powerful Creator, and believe (on most days) that He has a plan for me and will someday use this devastating chapter in my life to serve Him. Blessed am I to know that through Him, there is hope that next year will be better.

And BELIEVE me when I say, I am so grateful we are 31 days away from 2010!

Run away with me...

We have had more than our fair share of life adventures the past two years...and while they have been the most devestating, challenging years of my life thus far...they have been two of the most amazing years as well. We tend to pair incredible life adventures with sorrowful ones in an attempt to drown out the pain, minimize the heartache and gain a little more perspective on life.

In January 2008, my grandpa lost his battle with cancer...4 months later we took our 3 week trip of a lifetime to Europe...

In January 2009, a few weeks after our miscarriage we took a trip to Mexico...

In March 2009, we said goodbye to our sweet 8 1/2 year old dog Bailey and...2 months later we took a trip to Arizona...

So now, following our infertility diagnosis and our struggle to conceive even with medical intervention...I say enough with all the sorrow...it's time for a new life adventure! I spend my days dreaming of the places we could go to capture some hope and happiness again...

Perhaps here - the Oregon Coast...one of our very favorite places...

What's that? Oh, you are probably right...a little too windy!

I would LOVE to go here again...Sorrento, Italy...

But...we've already been there and we need a NEW adventure...so, my heart is set on HERE:

We now own travel books for Greece and Turkey and are hoping to begin planning a trip early next year! We thought Italy and Ireland would be our last BIG trip before kids...but it appears that God may have other plans...and if those plans include Greece and Turkey, I just might be able to live with that ;-)

A Heavy Heart

Today is my 29th birthday...I usually LOVE my birthday. Not because of the presents or celebrations, but because I can officially declare that I am another year older and wiser than I was the year before. Unfortunately, for the very first time in my life, I find my birthday near impossible to celebrate. We are rapidly approaching many difficult anniversaries this holiday season...

November 8, 2008 - the day we found out we were expecting
November 24, 2008 - the day I started spotting
December 4, 2008 - the day our heartache began
December 15, 2008 - the day our loss was confirmed
December 18-22, 2008 - the 5 days I was bed ridden and taking medication to officially end my pregnancy

...and although, as a result of these experiences, I am ages wiser than my 28 year old self...my heart is heavy with grief. I cry often...and have done so multiple times already today. I long to wallow in self pity, devastated by what has transpired over the last 12 months...an entire year wasted. But my heavy heart knows better. It may carry the weight of a burden sometimes impossible to bear...but it is also heavy with a compassion I am proud to know.

A year and a half ago I was completely naive to the suffering associated with infertility...but this morning, as I sat in a crowded doctor's office (sadly, infertility doesn't care if it's your birthday), I looked at the faces around me, knowing that every single one of these women were fighting the same battle, enduring the same pain, and hoping that this month might be THE month that their dream finally comes true.

Infertility is a life crisis affecting 1 in every 8 couples. For those who haven't experienced it firsthand, the emotional roller coaster of infertility (and maybe even sometimes your loved ones experiencing it ;-) may seem foreign to you...but chances are, you know someone (besides us) who is silently suffering.

We have had many friends/family stop calling and emailing and others have told us they just don't know what to say or do to help ease the pain...believe me when I say "NEITHER DO WE"! We have embarked on a journey we weren't prepared for and never anticipated the emotional upheaval it would have on our life. For those who are interested in learning more about the journey of infertility, click here. This link will hopefully give you a glimpse of our daily struggle, the myths about infertility and what you can do to help.

For my birthday this year, I only have ONE wish...but, as they say, if I say it out loud it won't come true...So, I suppose you will just have to guess what it is ;-)

"Time Heals All Wounds"

These were the words frequently spoken by others at the beginning of our painful journey...and while it is true that my grief stricken days now come with less frequency, their intensity has grown. I naively allowed myself to believe that our first round of infertility treatments (10 small pills, 2 self administered hormone injections in the abdomen, an ultrasound to measure the follicles and an injection of hCG to release the eggs) might actually work...Unfortunately, I forgot that every month might begin with new hope...but has the potential to end with the devestating heartache of yet another lost dream.

It is on these bad days that I search for the purpose of my journey...and every time, I find comfort in this poem. It so adequately describes the pain of a woman struggling to have a child...convincing herself that she will be a better mother for all she has endured.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will not be better because of genetics or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned...over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join the in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~ Author Unknown