Grateful

It is often difficult to count our blessings when one of life's storms is raging around us...and I, certainly as guilty of this as the next person, frequently catch myself saying "I know I have so much to be grateful for, BUT there's always that one thing that would make life even better"...

I found Thanksgiving to be a particularly difficult day for me. Even though I thought I was doing fine...preparing the turkey, making the stuffing and side dishes, mashing the potatoes, cleaning the house, setting the table...I couldn't shake the feeling of great loss. It was this day last year that we phoned many family members and shared our wonderful news...This year; in all honesty, I was just ready for the Thanksgiving holiday to pass...and was grateful when it finally did.

I do think that it is important to reflect on the things I am insurmountably thankful for, though...and thought I would share a few of them with you...

Grateful am I for a husband who loves me despite my many flaws...who laughs hysterically at my "witty humor" (even when no one else would find it funny), travels with me through life's abundant adventures and stands beside and often in front of me in an attempt to shield me from life's particularly painful storms. Blessed am I to have found this man, to love him so completely and to be fiercely adored by him in return.

Grateful am I for friends and family who continue to pray for us as we struggle through our life's most difficult year thus far...Blessed am I to know through these trials, you are there.

Grateful am I for a God who loves me unconditionally...despite my anger, frustration and barrage of difficult questions..."Why God?" - "What did I do to deserve this punishment?" - "Why do you allow us to continue suffering, Lord?"...I serve a powerful Creator, and believe (on most days) that He has a plan for me and will someday use this devastating chapter in my life to serve Him. Blessed am I to know that through Him, there is hope that next year will be better.

And BELIEVE me when I say, I am so grateful we are 31 days away from 2010!

Run away with me...

We have had more than our fair share of life adventures the past two years...and while they have been the most devestating, challenging years of my life thus far...they have been two of the most amazing years as well. We tend to pair incredible life adventures with sorrowful ones in an attempt to drown out the pain, minimize the heartache and gain a little more perspective on life.

In January 2008, my grandpa lost his battle with cancer...4 months later we took our 3 week trip of a lifetime to Europe...

In January 2009, a few weeks after our miscarriage we took a trip to Mexico...

In March 2009, we said goodbye to our sweet 8 1/2 year old dog Bailey and...2 months later we took a trip to Arizona...

So now, following our infertility diagnosis and our struggle to conceive even with medical intervention...I say enough with all the sorrow...it's time for a new life adventure! I spend my days dreaming of the places we could go to capture some hope and happiness again...

Perhaps here - the Oregon Coast...one of our very favorite places...

What's that? Oh, you are probably right...a little too windy!

I would LOVE to go here again...Sorrento, Italy...

But...we've already been there and we need a NEW adventure...so, my heart is set on HERE:

We now own travel books for Greece and Turkey and are hoping to begin planning a trip early next year! We thought Italy and Ireland would be our last BIG trip before kids...but it appears that God may have other plans...and if those plans include Greece and Turkey, I just might be able to live with that ;-)

A Heavy Heart

Today is my 29th birthday...I usually LOVE my birthday. Not because of the presents or celebrations, but because I can officially declare that I am another year older and wiser than I was the year before. Unfortunately, for the very first time in my life, I find my birthday near impossible to celebrate. We are rapidly approaching many difficult anniversaries this holiday season...

November 8, 2008 - the day we found out we were expecting
November 24, 2008 - the day I started spotting
December 4, 2008 - the day our heartache began
December 15, 2008 - the day our loss was confirmed
December 18-22, 2008 - the 5 days I was bed ridden and taking medication to officially end my pregnancy

...and although, as a result of these experiences, I am ages wiser than my 28 year old self...my heart is heavy with grief. I cry often...and have done so multiple times already today. I long to wallow in self pity, devastated by what has transpired over the last 12 months...an entire year wasted. But my heavy heart knows better. It may carry the weight of a burden sometimes impossible to bear...but it is also heavy with a compassion I am proud to know.

A year and a half ago I was completely naive to the suffering associated with infertility...but this morning, as I sat in a crowded doctor's office (sadly, infertility doesn't care if it's your birthday), I looked at the faces around me, knowing that every single one of these women were fighting the same battle, enduring the same pain, and hoping that this month might be THE month that their dream finally comes true.

Infertility is a life crisis affecting 1 in every 8 couples. For those who haven't experienced it firsthand, the emotional roller coaster of infertility (and maybe even sometimes your loved ones experiencing it ;-) may seem foreign to you...but chances are, you know someone (besides us) who is silently suffering.

We have had many friends/family stop calling and emailing and others have told us they just don't know what to say or do to help ease the pain...believe me when I say "NEITHER DO WE"! We have embarked on a journey we weren't prepared for and never anticipated the emotional upheaval it would have on our life. For those who are interested in learning more about the journey of infertility, click here. This link will hopefully give you a glimpse of our daily struggle, the myths about infertility and what you can do to help.

For my birthday this year, I only have ONE wish...but, as they say, if I say it out loud it won't come true...So, I suppose you will just have to guess what it is ;-)