A Heavy Heart

Today is my 29th birthday...I usually LOVE my birthday. Not because of the presents or celebrations, but because I can officially declare that I am another year older and wiser than I was the year before. Unfortunately, for the very first time in my life, I find my birthday near impossible to celebrate. We are rapidly approaching many difficult anniversaries this holiday season...

November 8, 2008 - the day we found out we were expecting
November 24, 2008 - the day I started spotting
December 4, 2008 - the day our heartache began
December 15, 2008 - the day our loss was confirmed
December 18-22, 2008 - the 5 days I was bed ridden and taking medication to officially end my pregnancy

...and although, as a result of these experiences, I am ages wiser than my 28 year old self...my heart is heavy with grief. I cry often...and have done so multiple times already today. I long to wallow in self pity, devastated by what has transpired over the last 12 months...an entire year wasted. But my heavy heart knows better. It may carry the weight of a burden sometimes impossible to bear...but it is also heavy with a compassion I am proud to know.

A year and a half ago I was completely naive to the suffering associated with infertility...but this morning, as I sat in a crowded doctor's office (sadly, infertility doesn't care if it's your birthday), I looked at the faces around me, knowing that every single one of these women were fighting the same battle, enduring the same pain, and hoping that this month might be THE month that their dream finally comes true.

Infertility is a life crisis affecting 1 in every 8 couples. For those who haven't experienced it firsthand, the emotional roller coaster of infertility (and maybe even sometimes your loved ones experiencing it ;-) may seem foreign to you...but chances are, you know someone (besides us) who is silently suffering.

We have had many friends/family stop calling and emailing and others have told us they just don't know what to say or do to help ease the pain...believe me when I say "NEITHER DO WE"! We have embarked on a journey we weren't prepared for and never anticipated the emotional upheaval it would have on our life. For those who are interested in learning more about the journey of infertility, click here. This link will hopefully give you a glimpse of our daily struggle, the myths about infertility and what you can do to help.

For my birthday this year, I only have ONE wish...but, as they say, if I say it out loud it won't come true...So, I suppose you will just have to guess what it is ;-)