"Time Heals All Wounds"

These were the words frequently spoken by others at the beginning of our painful journey...and while it is true that my grief stricken days now come with less frequency, their intensity has grown. I naively allowed myself to believe that our first round of infertility treatments (10 small pills, 2 self administered hormone injections in the abdomen, an ultrasound to measure the follicles and an injection of hCG to release the eggs) might actually work...Unfortunately, I forgot that every month might begin with new hope...but has the potential to end with the devestating heartache of yet another lost dream.

It is on these bad days that I search for the purpose of my journey...and every time, I find comfort in this poem. It so adequately describes the pain of a woman struggling to have a child...convincing herself that she will be a better mother for all she has endured.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will not be better because of genetics or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned...over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join the in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~ Author Unknown

Remembrance Day

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and tonight at 7pm couples all around the world will light a candle in honor of their babies. A light will shine in our home for a child we longed for and loved instantly, who slipped away too soon.

My dear friends with angel babies waiting at the gates of Heaven...please know that our candle will burn brightly in memory of your children, too. And for those like me who continue to grieve without children to fill your empty arms, God knows that you are indeed wonderful mothers already. May this video provide comfort to you, on this special day of remembrance, and always.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Music to My Ears

Frequently over the past year, when consumed with grief, I sought comfort in words written by strangers...Lyrics that somehow spoke directly to my heart and resonated deep within my soul. I love that about music, the freedom of interpretation that allows you to feel as if a song was composed for you, your life, your situation...Here are a few of the songs I listen to often, the lyrics that stand out the most, and why I fell in love with the words...

Never Alone - Jim Brickman/Lady Antebellum (link)
My sweet sister shared this song with me shortly after our miscarriage...it is the one I listen to at max volume, allowing it to drown out the sound of my tears, while praising God for never leaving my side.
...
I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I'm not going to promise
The cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surrounds you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone...

Never alone...Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't good-bye
My love will follow you
Stay with you
Baby, you're never alone...

My Prayers - Women of Faith Worship Team (link)
(click on the play arrow next to song #4 to hear a clip of this incredible song)

In June of 2008 I created a slideshow for my sister's high school graduation and fell in love with this song, as it so adequately depicted my prayers for her life...As I was driving to work one day a couple months ago, this song began playing. In addition to hearing the words of my prayers for my little sister, I heard my Savior's prayers for me...

May the sun wake you every day
With sounds of life and words of praise
That love is here to stay

Enjoy each moment as it comes
Always remember where you come from
Never be ashamed
And may you learn to just let go
When it's out of your hands
And find peace down every road

*Chorus*
I know, I know, I know that you wonder
What your tomorrows hold
And I know, I know, I know
Down whatever road you may go
My love is there
These are my prayers

May you find friends who you can trust
Don't be afraid to fall in love
Cause love is the one thing
That's sure as the stars are gonna shine
Don't ever leave your dreams behind
Stand up for what you believe

And take the time to see the good
It's everywhere
And find your passion
Live your truth

*Chorus*

Every night I pray
Every step you take
Brings you closer to
All I've hoped and all I've prayed for you
All I've prayed for you...

Closer to Love - Mat Kearney (link)
One day while driving in the car, this song began paying on the radio. My husband quietly said it reminded him of us, and as he sang these words to me, my eyes filled with tears as I imagined the day we will finally rejoice in the birth of our child... "we're gonna get there soon"...

She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
We're gonna get there soon...

And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now
For all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there, too
Crying in your room
Praying Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon...

Cause you are all I've been waiting for
For all of my life...
We're gonna get there soon...
Pull me closer to love...


One Day You Will - Lady Antebellum (link)
This song is a wonderful reminder that not all moments will feel as devastating as the initial days, weeks and months after our loss...that there is hope...and that we are, indeed, traveling the path God intended. As painful as it may be, He knows the purpose of our journey and is leading us to the destination He has had waiting all along.

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slipping through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back

You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

*Chorus*
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on
Every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, You'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be

I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will...

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here, anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear

You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to you last breath
And you don't know it yet

*Chorus*


I Run to You - Lady Antebellum (link)
This song makes me smile...a genuine ear to ear grin! I am so incredibly blessed to be married to the most wonderful man on earth. Despite the grief we've faced this past year, we continue to find solace in each other's arms..."Our love's the only truth, that why I run to you..."

I run from pain
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late

I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or to slow it seems

When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
To a new disaster
So I run to you
I run to you, baby

When it all starts coming undone
Baby you're the only one I run to
I run to you

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slipping right on through

Our love's the only truth
That's why I run to you

Welcome to the Club...of Infertility

Previously in my blog, I would write that word - infertility - and it always sounded so strange, as if maybe it didn't really apply to me. Maybe I really wasn't considered "infertile" and the well intentioned comments I have received from so many people for so long; "it will happen when it's supposed to"..."you just need to stop stressing"..."just stop trying and you will get pregnant - that's what worked for us"..."just stay positive, it will happen"...were true. Maybe these people were right, and it was all in my head.

Today was our long awaited appointment with an infertility specialist. And even though I had been waiting for this day for the past 3 months, I contemplated cancelling the appointment multiple times between then and now, figuring I would already be pregnant again...not wanting to believe that I actually needed to see an infertility specialist...and holding out hope that we would be able to have a baby without medical intervention...Today I closed that door.

The doctor had read through our paperwork, ordered copies of all prior tests from our other doctors, and confirmed that we have a 2% - 5% chance of conceiving a healthy baby on our own. Rather than crying from sadness and frustration as I write this post (as I have with all other posts), I am finally crying tears of relief because a qualified doctor in the field of infertility confirmed that I'm not crazy...that we're doing nothing wrong...and the reason for our infertility is no fault of our own. And because we are healthy and none of the tests indicate a real cause for infertility (10% of infertility cases are unknown) he is confident that we will be able to bring a healthy, beautiful baby into the world...it will just take time.

Soon we will begin monthly rounds of fertility drugs, ultrasounds, injectable hormones, blood work and IUIs (intrauterine insemination)...which has the potential to increase our chances by 10%...and, at any point we feel that we have exhausted our efforts and are ready to move on to an option with higher success rates, the doctor is ready to administer IVF (In Vitro Fertilization - 90% success rate after 3 rounds).

Yes, today I open a new door of hope for the future...and know in my heart that with the help of this doctor, sometime in the next couple years, we will finally have the baby we've always dreamed of.