Escape

The realization that our baby was gone came immediately, but the immense grief I feel for our loss remains strong still today. We did our best to struggle through the holidays, and even managed to create and send out our annual Christmas letter. But despite our attempt at a brave front...everything inside me felt broken. Shattered pieces of a life I longed for, a dream I couldn't let go. I cried almost every hour of every day those first few weeks, constantly reminded of the harsh reality we were living, wounded by the well intentioned comments or "advice" from loved ones who couldn't possibly understand, and overwhelmed by the loneliness that engulfed every inch of my being.

Desperate to run from the pain and towards something/anything that felt "normal", we booked a trip to Cancun, Mexico for the middle of January (2009). We couldn't wait to feel the warmth of the sun on our skin, to be surrounded by people who didn't know what we were going through and to try to forget our loss and find laughter again, if only for 10 days. Unfortunately, we left 27 days after the miscarriage started, and my HCG levels were still not "normal" (below 5) and I continued to bleed and pass tissue throughout the duration of our trip. Due to the risk of infection, until the "process" is complete you are instructed not to use a tampon or swim in any body of water (as it could carry bacteria)...certainly things you travel to Mexico to do. Despite these restrictions, our determination to have a good time paid off!

Here are a few of the pictures from our trip to the Yucatan:

(Below) Me, very obviously breaking doctor's orders (the one and only time I did)...I justified my defiance by telling myself this was a once in a lifetime experience and it was only 2 days before we went home, so I figured if an infection started, at least I would be back in America for treatment...

Swimming with the manatee:

Manatee kiss:

Swimming with the Sea Lion:

Dolphin Kiss:

I only broke down a couple of times while we were away, but for the most part, it was a great escape from our situation and we were not at all prepared for how difficult it would be to return home. I cried on our way to the airport, knowing that we couldn't keep living a false reality and we would have to return to our life and all the emotions we tried to leave behind...

The Heartache Begins

Six months passed after our return from Europe before we finally received the news we had been waiting for...Our journey towards becoming a family had officially begun!!! For an entire week I had been convinced I was pregnant, never wavering until after I had taken the test...then I was terrified to see the result! I paced anxiously in the hallway until I saw Ben go into the bathroom to check the result and heard him yell "PREGNANT"! I screamed, we embraced and laughed, and tears of the greatest joy I had ever known streamed gently down my face. Then, I took a few more...just to be sure!

November 8, 2008:

We could barely sleep that night and stayed up late talking about names, discussing my due date (July 18, 2009), trying to guess whether we were having a boy or a girl and dreaming about our little family of 3!

Two weeks later I began spotting and was assured over the phone by a nurse at my doctor's office that light spotting was perfectly normal during early pregnancy and nothing to worry about. By the time I was 7 weeks along we had shared our news with immediate family and a few close friends. We saw no cause for alarm until I experienced 20 minutes of actual bleeding the evening of December 3rd. I called the doctor the folloing morning and was able to secure an ultrasound appointment for later that day. Although we were concerned, in our hearts we just knew that everything would be okay and we were anxious and excited to see our baby's heartbeat for the very first time!

Once the ultrasound began, it was only seconds before I knew something was horribly wrong. As most expectant mothers know, by 6 weeks your baby's heartbeat should be visible via ultrasound and I was already 7 weeks and 5 days along.

This is the image we should have seen that day...

And this is the heartbreaking image that appeared instead... My eyes immediately swelled with tears and I tried (unsuccessfully) to keep it together as I heard the ultrasound technician say that the gestational sac was only measuring 5 weeks and 3 days. She was sending the ultrasound to my doctor and their office would call me once they had analyzed the results. I remember desperately struggling to muffle the sobs building inside of me as my incredibly supportive and equally devastated husband led me through the waiting room and out to our car.

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The doctor's office called about an hour after we returned home and said that, though it was likely I was in the process of miscarrying, they wanted to wait 10 days and do a repeat ultrasound as a precaution. She apologized as she knew the wait would be difficult and I responded through my tears by telling her "it's okay...we've already started to grieve".

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So on Monday December 15, 2008 we re-lived the same devestating scenario a second time. The doctor confirmed with certainty that my pregnancy was ending, just 9 weeks and 2 days after it had begun. She explained that because my body had not started the miscarriage process on its own (my HCG levels were still 41,000), my options were to go to the labor and delivery ward at a local hospital for a D&C or take medication to induce "labor" and endure the process from the comfort of my own home.

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I began taking prescribed medication the morning of Thursday December 18th. Severely painful contractions started within an hour and 4-5 hours later, the actual miscarriage process had oficially begun. The pain was constant and near unbearable for approx. 8-10 hours a day for 5 days straight as the only pain reliever able to be used in conjunction with this medication is Tylenol with codeine.

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Strangely comforting though, was that my body was finally able to suffer some of the immense pain that had consumed my heart and soul for the last 15 days...

Our Journey

Ben and I met through a (wonderful) mutual friend our senior year in high school. Ben had been bugging Katrina for weeks to meet the girl in the photo on her 3 ring binder before she finally gave in! We were introduced over the phone and talked for hours across the span of 6 days before we went on our first date (March 20, 1999). Even before I met him in person, I knew he was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Here is an excerpt from my journal dated March 22, 1999:

"...It's like he holds all the missing puzzle pieces to my life...the first time I heard his voice I felt like I'd been waiting all my life for him...and now he's here."

The rest, as they say, is history. We dated for two and a half years before we were married on September 8, 2001...one of the best days of my life!

Over the last 8 years, we bought our first house (our current home), raised two adorable puppies (Bailey and Beaumont), completed our Bachelors degrees, advanced our careers with a national insurance company and traveled as much as our vacation and bank account would allow! These were all things we wanted to accomplish before starting our family...and as of last Spring (2008) there was only one item left to cross off the list...a trip to EUROPE!!! We dreamed and planned for months on end until the day finally arrived to board the plane...destination - ITALY! We spent 10 incredible days touring Rome, Sorrento/Amalfi Coast, Florence and Venice before spending another 10 amazing days touring the southern half of IRELAND...just the two of us. It was more spectacular than we ever dreamed it would be!

Although we were devestated to be leaving the adventure of a lifetime behind to resume our normal lives, we were thrilled to know we would be returning home to embark on a new adventure...starting a family!!!

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Now, as I re-live the beginning of our journey, 16 short, but oh so very looong months ago...I long to travel back in time and warn my naive self about the devestating heartache that lies ahead...

I Started a Blog!!!

I have been contemplating this for awhile now and have finally made a decision to start a blog. Here's why:

1. I have had a really ROUGH year...and despite the heartache, I want to remember this journey and how it has changed me.


2. So many people out there are thinking of and praying for us! This blog will allow me to share information I am comfortable sharing, while satisfying the curiosity of all those who are wondering about us and where we are in our quest to become parents.


3. I have found great comfort in reading the blogs of other women who have experienced similar heartache as it helps to know that I am not alone in my journey. I am so grateful for these women who were brave enough to share the stories of their loss and hope that by sharing my experience, one other person may find comfort in knowing they're not alone.

Those who know me well are saying to themselves, "Stephanie is going to vulnerably broadcast her feelings on an open blog???"...and to that I say "I'm slightly terrified...but I'm going to try". =) So...Here goes nothing! Stay tuned for my first REAL post!