Another Letter to Our Baby...

Dear Baby,

Precisely 2 months ago today (Nov. 18, 2009), longing desperately for your life to begin, I wrote you a letter.


Thank you for listening...

Today (Nov. 30, 2009) we saw you for the first time, baby! You are the tiny dot at the top of the little black circle...I know the picture is grainy and your ity bity body is difficult to see...but I know you are there. We are cautiously joyful and undeniably anxious as we have been here before and our hearts are overwhelmed with fear that you may be taken from us too soon. The thought of losing you is unbearable, baby and I am on my knees each day praying (begging) God's protection over you and pleading with Him to allow me the incredible honor of being your mom...

Immense fear resolved to sweet relief and triumphant joy the moment your tiny heart began flickering on the ultrasound screen. We were mesmerized by the image of you...and could have stared at your beating heart all day long! I sobbed hysterically the moment we walked out of the room...simply elated to know that you were okay. Your daddy held me close and wiped away my tears...and he just couldn't stop smiling!

(Dec. 7, 2009 - 6 weeks, 2 days - heartbeat 120 beats per min.)

We were excited for our doctor's appointment today, baby and couldn't wait to see how much you had grown! What we didn't expect was the way the miraculous sound of your tiny heart beating instantly filled the room when you appeared on the screen...It was the most peaceful, reassuring sound I have ever heard and I'm smiling now as I play that little memory over and over again in my mind. The doctor said you are doing so well that we don't need to see him (a specialist) anymore...so this is the last picture I will have of you for a little while. I am definitely nervous knowing that I won't get to see you each week...but I have faith that you will be okay.

(Dec. 14, 2009 - 7 weeks, 2 days - heartbeat 140 beats per min.)

Today (January 7, 2010) was our first appointment with a regular doctor and we were afraid that it was still too soon (10 weeks, 5 days) to hear your heartbeat through a monitor on my stomach...the nurse listened and listened, then moved the Doppler and listened some more. After a few long minutes of searching, there you were (160 beats per minute)! I cried (again) and Daddy laughed...we were so relieved to know you are safe and growing strong, sweet baby. Can't wait to see you again soon!!!

Love,

Mommy

Happy New Year!

Last Year (February 2009), shortly after the New Year had begun, I was already prepared (in gambling terms) to cash in my chips and move right on to 2010. Perhaps in the depths of my soul I knew that although we had already experienced immense heartache...there was still more to come. Had Cinderella's fairy godmother appeared to me then, I would have gladly seized the opportunity to skip the pain. Now, as I look back a year later, I would ask her to grant me another wish; a different and less selfish one...that I would be open to learn the many lessons God intended to teach me through this trial and that I would trust His timing instead of stubbornly demanding life occur according to mine...although, in my defense, during my conversations with God I repeatedly tell Him that I would completely surrender to His timing, if only He would tell me what His timing IS...but I guess He just doesn't work that way ;-)

Four short days ago, I was thrilled to celebrate the closure of 2009...A weight has been lifted, a difficult year is now part of my past, and I am free to open a new door to the future...confident that this year will be a year of HOPE.

After all, rainbows only appear after the rain...just as the storm begins to pass.