A New Plan

Those who know me well would whole-heartedly agree that I am someone who doesn't operate well in life without a plan! I love to plan parties and baby showers and bridal showers and vacations and weekend agendas and family holidays...you name it, I will find a way to plan it! Perhaps that's why our current predicament is so incredibly emotionally frustrating for me. For the past 17 months my plans have been futile and the only reward I receive for my effort is the heartbreak of another dead end. I no longer know the path that lies ahead, which road will lead us to our destination, or how well we will navigate the twists and turns we encounter along the way.

So, for now, because I am currently unable to plan a pregnancy, design a nursery, and deliver a baby, I try to occupy my time planning ways to distract myself from the reoccurring monthly heartache we continue to endure. And although I am admittedly angry and bitter about our unpredictable journey, I'm grateful for the moments of true joy we've had this year, and quite possibly appreciate these memories even more than I would have if life had been different...

April 2009
Ben's good friend and college roommate Stu came to visit! We hadn't seen him in 8 years...but it was just like old times...hilarious!

May 2009

At the end of May we took a trip to Scottsdale, AZ!

and hiked up camelback mountain...

what. was. I. thinking???

Oh, well, at least we made it to the top! Barely...

But mostly we just relaxed at the spa!

June 2009

Some of our very closest friends came to visit! We always have a wonderful time with them and laughed more than we had in a very long time!

Rhyan at Riverfront Park

Spending time with Beaumont

Adorable Abbey

Rhyan with her good buddy, Ben!

The whole clan...Ben, Steph, Rhyan, Jody, Phil, Abbey!

July 2009

For the 4th of July we went kayaking/canoeing with my dad and brother...

Later that month, the whole fam took a trip to an indoor waterpark!

Me and my niece, Anna

Adorable smiles from my niece, Lyla

We spent a weekend at the lake with Jack and Norma

September 2009

For our 8th wedding anniversary we spent a week in Seattle!!!

Here we are with our friends Dave and Crystal at Bumbershoot! We saw Katy Perry, All American Rejects, Sheryl Crow, Michael Franti & Spearhead, Jason Mraz...and my favorite band of the trip...

THE BLACK EYED PEAS!

A little over 1 week later (last weekend) we made the drive back to Seattle for a Mariners game with my dad and little brother, Zack!

So, all in all we have made the most of 2009 thus far...what's next, you ask? Finally...a long awaited consultation with an infertility specialist! Stay tuned...

A Letter to Our Baby

We've been waiting for you for quite some time, baby; Cried a million sad and lonely tears for you, baby; Dreamt of the overwhelming love you will someday bring with you, baby; Prayed countless unanswered prayers for you, baby; Imagined the perfect features of your sweet face, baby; Felt devastating heartache watching others move on and welcome new life...while our life stands still and our arms remain empty without you, baby.

Yet, somehow, despite our painful journey...I know once you are finally here, the heartache will have been worthwhile and we will be even better parents for all we have endured.

My thoughts are consumed with you. My arms long to hold you. My heart aches to know you and I anxiously await the glorious news that you are safe and on your way to join our family.

You are loved dearly, wanted desperately, and adored already.

Please come soon.

Love,
Mom

Part of Me

We were grocery shopping the other day and behind us in line was a young family with an adorable little girl sitting in the front of their cart. As we were getting ready to walk out of the store with our bags I watched as this sweet girl handed her mom's credit card and driver's license to the cashier. The cashier smiled down at the child and while looking at the license she asked, "Is that your mom?" The girl glanced again at the cropped license photo showing only her mom's head and shoulders and replied, "Well...it's part of her!"

We all laughed at her innocent and truthful response, yet, as I walked away, I couldn't help but acknowledge the ironic relevance of that statement to my current situation.

It has now been 8 months 3 weeks and 3 days since we received the official news that we lost our baby...a child that should be almost two months old and the light of our lives. A part of me was lost that day and I don't know that I will feel entirely whole again until I am able to hold our very own little miracle in my arms.

Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what might have been...

Not a week goes by that I don't try to understand the purpose of our painful journey...

Not a month goes by that doesn't end in the same heartache and disappointment as the one before...

After almost 8 months of using an electronic fertility monitor, crying myself to sleep at night, charting my cycles, several rounds of blood work, more tears, a semen analysis, 4 months of taking Prometrium (blood work found that I have a low progesterone level...likely why I miscarried the first time), an HSG (medical procedure where you first sign a waiver saying you understand you might die if you have an allergy to iodine...then endure a shot in your cervix and an iodine injection into your uterus and fallopian tubes to detect any blockage - yes, this is as painful as it sounds) tears, tears and more tears...in addition to 6 months of trying to get pregnant last year, 2 months of being pregnant and 6 weeks of miscarriage...I am still nowhere close to my dream of becoming a mom.

I know this recap may seem melodramatic to some...but I can't even begin to explain how frustrating, overwhelming, heartbreaking, infuriating, and emotional this journey has been. With that said, I am SO incredibly grateful to my friends/family who have shared similar heartache, who have ached for our loss, truly understood our pain and the craziness that engulfs a woman/couple struggling with infertility.

To those that haven't been where we are...I know it must be difficult to understand the emotional upheaval we're experiencing, but I know that you love us and are praying for us...keep praying...I am confident that I will return to a normal version of myself someday! Someone whose emotions aren't so unpredictable; someone who can receive the news of yet another loved one's pregnancy without feeling as if an explosion has shattered the very core of her being; someone who can plan and attend baby showers again and rejoice in the birth of a child to a mother who hasn't struggled with miscarriage & infertility.

My good friend, Danielle (pregnant with her first child due in October) said it best when she told me not to worry, that I would have the rest of my life to get to know her child...that she understands it's hard for me right now, but they will always be there...whenever I am ready. Thank you to all who feel this way. Please know that I am doing my best to find hope and healing...and most importantly, that I still love and appreciate you!!!