Escape

The realization that our baby was gone came immediately, but the immense grief I feel for our loss remains strong still today. We did our best to struggle through the holidays, and even managed to create and send out our annual Christmas letter. But despite our attempt at a brave front...everything inside me felt broken. Shattered pieces of a life I longed for, a dream I couldn't let go. I cried almost every hour of every day those first few weeks, constantly reminded of the harsh reality we were living, wounded by the well intentioned comments or "advice" from loved ones who couldn't possibly understand, and overwhelmed by the loneliness that engulfed every inch of my being.

Desperate to run from the pain and towards something/anything that felt "normal", we booked a trip to Cancun, Mexico for the middle of January (2009). We couldn't wait to feel the warmth of the sun on our skin, to be surrounded by people who didn't know what we were going through and to try to forget our loss and find laughter again, if only for 10 days. Unfortunately, we left 27 days after the miscarriage started, and my HCG levels were still not "normal" (below 5) and I continued to bleed and pass tissue throughout the duration of our trip. Due to the risk of infection, until the "process" is complete you are instructed not to use a tampon or swim in any body of water (as it could carry bacteria)...certainly things you travel to Mexico to do. Despite these restrictions, our determination to have a good time paid off!

Here are a few of the pictures from our trip to the Yucatan:

(Below) Me, very obviously breaking doctor's orders (the one and only time I did)...I justified my defiance by telling myself this was a once in a lifetime experience and it was only 2 days before we went home, so I figured if an infection started, at least I would be back in America for treatment...

Swimming with the manatee:

Manatee kiss:

Swimming with the Sea Lion:

Dolphin Kiss:

I only broke down a couple of times while we were away, but for the most part, it was a great escape from our situation and we were not at all prepared for how difficult it would be to return home. I cried on our way to the airport, knowing that we couldn't keep living a false reality and we would have to return to our life and all the emotions we tried to leave behind...