"Time Heals All Wounds"

These were the words frequently spoken by others at the beginning of our painful journey...and while it is true that my grief stricken days now come with less frequency, their intensity has grown. I naively allowed myself to believe that our first round of infertility treatments (10 small pills, 2 self administered hormone injections in the abdomen, an ultrasound to measure the follicles and an injection of hCG to release the eggs) might actually work...Unfortunately, I forgot that every month might begin with new hope...but has the potential to end with the devestating heartache of yet another lost dream.

It is on these bad days that I search for the purpose of my journey...and every time, I find comfort in this poem. It so adequately describes the pain of a woman struggling to have a child...convincing herself that she will be a better mother for all she has endured.

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There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will not be better because of genetics or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned...over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join the in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~ Author Unknown