Part of Me

We were grocery shopping the other day and behind us in line was a young family with an adorable little girl sitting in the front of their cart. As we were getting ready to walk out of the store with our bags I watched as this sweet girl handed her mom's credit card and driver's license to the cashier. The cashier smiled down at the child and while looking at the license she asked, "Is that your mom?" The girl glanced again at the cropped license photo showing only her mom's head and shoulders and replied, "Well...it's part of her!"

We all laughed at her innocent and truthful response, yet, as I walked away, I couldn't help but acknowledge the ironic relevance of that statement to my current situation.

It has now been 8 months 3 weeks and 3 days since we received the official news that we lost our baby...a child that should be almost two months old and the light of our lives. A part of me was lost that day and I don't know that I will feel entirely whole again until I am able to hold our very own little miracle in my arms.

Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what might have been...

Not a week goes by that I don't try to understand the purpose of our painful journey...

Not a month goes by that doesn't end in the same heartache and disappointment as the one before...

After almost 8 months of using an electronic fertility monitor, crying myself to sleep at night, charting my cycles, several rounds of blood work, more tears, a semen analysis, 4 months of taking Prometrium (blood work found that I have a low progesterone level...likely why I miscarried the first time), an HSG (medical procedure where you first sign a waiver saying you understand you might die if you have an allergy to iodine...then endure a shot in your cervix and an iodine injection into your uterus and fallopian tubes to detect any blockage - yes, this is as painful as it sounds) tears, tears and more tears...in addition to 6 months of trying to get pregnant last year, 2 months of being pregnant and 6 weeks of miscarriage...I am still nowhere close to my dream of becoming a mom.

I know this recap may seem melodramatic to some...but I can't even begin to explain how frustrating, overwhelming, heartbreaking, infuriating, and emotional this journey has been. With that said, I am SO incredibly grateful to my friends/family who have shared similar heartache, who have ached for our loss, truly understood our pain and the craziness that engulfs a woman/couple struggling with infertility.

To those that haven't been where we are...I know it must be difficult to understand the emotional upheaval we're experiencing, but I know that you love us and are praying for us...keep praying...I am confident that I will return to a normal version of myself someday! Someone whose emotions aren't so unpredictable; someone who can receive the news of yet another loved one's pregnancy without feeling as if an explosion has shattered the very core of her being; someone who can plan and attend baby showers again and rejoice in the birth of a child to a mother who hasn't struggled with miscarriage & infertility.

My good friend, Danielle (pregnant with her first child due in October) said it best when she told me not to worry, that I would have the rest of my life to get to know her child...that she understands it's hard for me right now, but they will always be there...whenever I am ready. Thank you to all who feel this way. Please know that I am doing my best to find hope and healing...and most importantly, that I still love and appreciate you!!!